Having kids means that you’re constantly reminded of the fact that yes, you are parent. But instead of pretending that your children aren’t the ones running around with no pants, try embracing that special badge of honor that says “what have I gotten myself into?” Relax and enjoy some unconventional parenting insight brought to you by THE BILL ENGVALL SHOW.

You Know You’re a Parent When…

Your email signature reads “Do What I Say. Not What I Do.”

You decide to trade in your convertible for a minivan and cry the whole way to the dealership.

You’ve fixed someone’s hair with spit.

You’ve paid a costumed character to show up at your house.

No one calls you by your first name anymore. Now you’re simply known as someone’s Mom.

There’s an entire box of cereal buried in the cracks between your car seats. And you’ve considered eating it while waiting in the carpool line.

Instead of goodnight kisses, you now get goodnight text messages.

At least once a week you ask yourself “Whose kids are these?”

You’ve threatened competitors at the school science fair.

You find yourself wearing your pajamas for a coffee run or to drop off the kids. It’s not like you have time to get out of the car anyway.

You’ve been to soccer practice, ballet and story time all before 11am.

Most of your advice starts with “When I was your age.”

You have to explain how math will be useful some day.

Sleeping late means 8:15 am.

You read more than one parenting blog a day.

You realize your parents only come visit to see the grandkids.

You wipe anyone’s mouth other than yours.

You’ve hosted a graduation party for an 11-year-old.

You talk about bodily functions more than most doctors.

You occasionally forget to bathe.

You want to tell your kids about the birds and the bees, but you can’t remember the last time you did it.

For more hilarious parenting moments, tune in to THE BILL ENGVALL SHOW Saturday nights at 9/8c on TBS!!